The Best and Worst of the Atlanta Braves

So how about this for a slow Tuesday....I was sitting around thinking about the best players that have donned the Atlanta Braves uniforms. Conversely, I was laughing my ass off at some of the crappy players the Braves have had over the year. If they played only 1 year with the Braves it doesn't matter, they are eligible. These are people I have been told about or know about myself. Let me know what you think and leave a comment if you disagree:

The Best

Catcher: Joe Torre: Before Joe Torre became known as the leader of the Evil Empire, he was a catcher for the Atlanta Braves for 9 seasons. Over those 9 years he hit .290 with 142 HR's. The only other person who would be considered would be Javy Lopez but I give the nod to Torre.

1B: Fred McGriff: The Crime Dog donned the Atlanta Braves uniform from 1993-1997 and was a fixture in the middle of the Lineup. The guy might have stood 35 feet away from home plate when he hit but man could he turn around and inside pitch.

2B: Martin Prado: I know I know. How could I have a guy on the list who has only played a little over a year. I will tell you how. Mark Lemke was not very good and hes the only other guy I know who could possibly be on this list. Not to mention "Lemmer" might be the most annoying Braves announcer of All Time. I believe when all is said and done that Prado will be the best 2B the Braves ever had.

SS: Jeff Blauser: I have been trying to think of another good shortstop and this is all I can come up with. I actually named my first dog Blauser after my boy Jeff. Other than that he looked alot like the dude from Glee and his stats really aren't that great. However, he is probably the greatest SS to play for the Braves. I considered Furcal but I never had a dog named Rafael or Furcal so I didn't pick him.

3B: Chipper Jones: I know that Eddie Matthews also played 3B but you have to give the nod to Chipper. Chipper has incredible stats and has done it hungover 90% of the time. He gets extra points for that. But seriously, Chipper is a Hall of Famer and has done so playing his entire career in Atlanta.

LF: Dale Murphy: Again, I know Murphy played Center but I am trying to field the best team here. Murphy is probably the most recognizable Brave to the 35-50 clan in Atlanta. Murphy hit over 300 HR's and was only 2 short of 400 for his career. He had a stretch of 4 years where he hit 36,36,36 and 37 HR's in consecutive seasons and that's WITHOUT steroids. The Murph was a badass and I know with 100% certainty he made his rounds through the Atlanta night scene.

CF: Andruw Jones: Andruw Jones IMO could have gone down as one of the best CF's to EVER play the game. However, he got fat and lazy. When he was in his prime he was a machine. The earth is covered by 75% of water....Andruw covers the rest. He literally got to EVERYTHING that was hit. Lets not forget that he hit over 350 HR's as an Atlanta Brave in 12 seasons.

RF: Hank Aaron: The easiest choice on the list for obvious reasons. The guy swatted 755 HR's over his career. For being such a power hitter he has a career batting average of .305. Lets keep in mind this is all being done without the using of PED's. Hank Aaron has done more for the Atlanta Braves Franchise than any other player I can think of. The guy is a legend and deservedly so.

Bench:

Andres Gallarage
Javy Lopez
Eddie Matthews
Mark Lemke
Terry Penleton
David Justice
Rafael Furcal
Sid "the Dream" Bream
Francisco Cabrera

SP:

Phil Niekro: Never saw him pitch but from everything I hear he was great. All the fans seemed to love him and from everything I have read on the guy he was also a great guy.

John Smoltz: A sure fire HOFer who was an absolute gamer. Honestly, it would be hard to not pick him if I had to choose someone to go win me a game. The guy is a mans man also. Hes got a golf course in his backyard and when hes not dropping insight for TBS hes playing hoops.

Greg Maddux: Maddux was so consistantly dominating it was scary. He won 15 games a year for 15 straight years! I remember a game he pitched against the Astros where he gave up a first inning HR to Jeff Bagwell and that was the only baserunner he allowed the whole game. The guy could flat pitch and it easily one of the best pitchers to ever play the game.

Tom Glavine: Crafty Lefty basically describes Glavine. Im pretty sure he couldn't break glass but he could dissect a strikezone. Just another 300 game winner who would probably be the 3rd starter on this team.

Warren Spahn: I honestly dont much about Spahn but he could pitch. He is one of the best left handed pitchers to ever play the game.

RP:

Lefty Specialist: Mike Remlinger: There wasn't another lefty that I trusted with the game like Remlinger. He had that old school look to him where he was just going to beat you. No real overpowering pitch the dude just knew how to mix it up.

MR: Greg McMichael: The guy was a stud. He had that goofy delivery and much like Moylan: Australian for Sucks he was deadly against right handed hitting.

MR: John Rocker: aka Borderline Mental Patient. To say he is a little off his Rocker is an understatement. Name another person who in 2 sentences offended everyone in the state of NY and possibly the entire nation? Kenny Powers? Touche. Name another? You cant. Watching the guy go full sprint from the BP to the mound looked like something out of Braveheart.

MR: Gene Garber: 2nd on the all time saves list behind John Smoltz. I never saw Garber pitch but from what i have been told he was a player. Anytime you 2nd on the list and the guy in front of you is John Smoltz, you have done something right.

MR: Mark Wohlers: He throws straight cheddar. Would be awesome in spot coverage but could come in and dominate for an inning if need be.

CL: John Smoltz: Currently suing Kyra Sedgwick claiming, he is The Closer. Smoltz could do double time Starting and Closing with this team. When Smoltz used to come in it was over. Lights out. Take your children and leave. Go elsewhere. Peace.

The Worst

Catcher: Corky Miller: Is there another catcher anywhere in the Majors that is worse then this guy? The guy is so inept at the plate its laughable. I remember a game where he came up to hit and I was genuinely upset they didn't pinch hit Tim Hudson for him.

1B: Troy Glaus: Mr. American Logger. Is it a coincidence every time he swung AT&T phones got better reception? He only made 2 million in the 1 year he was with the Braves but he made twice that in endorsement deals with Quikrete and AT&T. Quikrete was his shoe sponsor. That explains the absolute lack of mobility he had.

2B: Pete Orr: I actually like Pete Orr because he played the game hard but the guy just wasn't very good. I mean lets be honest he had no power, hit for about .240 and was not very intimidating. I will say this though Orr's Oars was a hit with the fans. I saw one guy dress up like a canoe for a game.

SS: Rafael Belliard: The Latin Monster. Belliard was pretty damn good defensively but his hitting was atrocious. I remember when I was 9 I saw Belliard at Publix and I was taller than he was. I made up the nickname Latin Monster if you haven't figured that out yet.

3B: Troy Glaus: Seriously I cant think of another player that is easier to rag on that Glaus. Did you know Troy Glaus' bat weighs as much as your average dog? Also, his new show The Quikrete Zoom, sold 4 pairs last year. The raft Tom Hanks made in Castaway was not a bunch of trees...it was Troy Glaus' bat broken into smaller pieces.

LF: Greg Norton: The Anti Virus needs no introduction. When you think "Who is the only hitter who might be worse than Corky Miller" you instantly think of Greg Norton. I swear, the year we had him he would come up to bat and I would start crying. I don't think I ever saw him get a hit. He used to pop out and foul out in batting practice. He came up to bat in a game with 2 outs and everyone ran off the field thinking the inning was over.

CF: Rick Ankiel: The Nature Boy. Good ol Rick Ankiel. He did hit that massive HR against the Giants in the postseason and that's about all he did. Have you ever seen someone who literally cant hit a curveball the way Ankiel can? How many times did he swing and miss by over a foot. A friend of mine called me from Vegas and said they had a prop bet on the board for the number of times Ankiel would swing and miss by over a foot....the number that night was 4.5. Ankiel covered that in his first 2 at bats.

RF: Garrett Anderson: Have you ever seen a player give less effort than Anderson? Name another active player who has fought in 3 different wars? You can't. Anderson fought in the Korean, Vietnam and Gulf Wars. He was arrested for draft dodging the war of 1812. Hes an old man. Has got to be in his 90's by now. At least he looks that old.

Bench:

Brent Lillibridge
Julio Franco
Yunel Escobar...worst attitude I have ever seen
Eddie Perez....trying to pick up chicks in the BP in right..total knobber
Greg Olson
Ken Caminitti
Raul Mondesi

SP:

Kenshin Kawakami: "He is a great pitcher who throws 6 pitches!" This was all I heard about KK when we signed him. They didn't tell me that all 6 pitches would be thrown belt high and down the middle. The guy is a walking batting practice.

Jo-Jo Reyes: More Like Hugo Reyes because this guy is Lost. All I ever heard about him was he was this incredible lefty prospect. Everytime I saw him pitch it looked like Craig Yarbrough circa 2003. They didn't have any problems finding weapons of mass destruction when Jo-Jo was on the mound bc there were bombs everywhere.

Ed Brandt: Mr. brandt was a whopping 5-19 with a 5.00 ERA for the 1935 Boston Braves. Don't worry though hes not the only Boston Brave on the list.

Ben Cantwell: A whopping 4-25 as a starter in 1935. Again, no idea who these guys are but they have to make the list with records like that.

Mark Redmond: 0-4 with an 11.63 ERA and 13 K's in 21 2/3 innings. That's pretty much all you need to know. He was terrible and I think we demoted him after that and he went on to get even worse so we released him.

RP:

Chris Reitsma: Arguably the absolute worst reliever of all time. I cannot even remember how many games this guy blew. "Hes got the best stuff on the team". I heard that countless times from both McCann and Bobby about how great Reitsma was in the BP sessions. He was terrible. I went to a game once where the Braves were winning 8-3 in the 7th. Bobby calls on Reitsma. I stand up and shake everyones hand around me telling them its been fun but I have to go because we have now lost the game. Reitsma gives up a couple and loads the bases and the braves lose 11-9.

Blaine Boyer: The Street Magician donned the Atlanta uniform for a couple years. My friends and I came up with the clever nickname by stealing David Blaines occupation, with Boyers ability to make leads disappear. Hence the Street Magician. He threw pretty hard but it was a cock shot 99.9% of the time. Newsflash, professional hitters don't miss those.

Manny Acosta: Icostya the game blew a bunch of games for the braves over a year and a half stretch. He has a goofy motion and never has back to back good innings. He looks like Cy Young one outing then the next like a combo of the Street Magician and Reitsma.

Bob Wickman: The fat dude from the Brewers. Supposedly was a terrible clubhouse guy who was angry all the time. What the hell is he angry about? He is easily one of the top 5 guys in baseball who is in the worst shape yet he is an "athlete". He was making like 5 million a year for being a fat slob.

Dan Kolb:  So the other day I was bored and checking out some domain names on Go Daddy. I wanted to see if http://www.dbag.com/ was available. It said it was taken. I checked to see who owned it and it was Dan Kolb! I couldn't believe it. Actually I could. The guy is a total d bag and jerk. I'm glad he got shelled every outing. Peace be with you.

Happy Crappy Monday Morning......Volume 10.0

Happy Crappy Monday Morning……Volume 10.0

By: J-Shannon

It’s Christmas time people…. You have to love this time of year. You go to work on time, but only do about 60% of what you normally would do. No one gets work done over the next couple of weeks. People are planning family time, what they are doing for Christmas, and searching for some last minute Christmas gifts. What better way to kick off Christmas then with a Happy Crappy Monday Morning, the Christmas edition. Enjoy…..

1.       Dirty Birds Flying High –

12-2. Man that sounds good. I’ll admit, I was extremely skeptical about Matt Ryan being drafted when he did. But what the hell do I know? I think this team is special. They are good, but not great. They are confident, not cocky. They get things done the hard way, by pounding the ball with Turner and Snelling, and wearing down the defense. Matt Ryan doesn’t try and force plays, he just takes what the defense gives him. It is amazing how much better your team plays when you have third and short situations, as opposed to third and long. It seems every time the Falcons have third down this season, it is only 3 or 4 yards to go. This team is special. This team has an opportunity to do something special…. How big is that Monday night football game at the Dome against the Saints going to be? Does home field advantage throughout the playoffs mean anything to you?

2.       MV7 = MVP

Look, I know Tom Brady is a stud. I know his numbers are unreal. I know he is going to go down as one of the best Quarterbacks ever. But if you took him away from that team, would there be that much of a fall off? Yea, they wouldn’t have gone 12-2, but I think it’s safe to say they would have made the playoffs. Now, take Michael Vick away from the Eagles. You’re talking a completely different team. The guy is single handily leading the Eagles to the playoffs on fire. Their O-Line is shaky; doesn’t matter, Vick breaks a tackle or 2 and scrambles for 40 yards. Maclin and Jackson are killing it lately, because they have a guy with an arm that can use their speed to his advantage. This team is hot, and is being led by a guy who has completely changed from the player and person he was 3 years ago. I’ll put it to you this way, I’m excited to see how far the Falcons go into the playoffs, but I damn sure don’t want to have to play MV7 or the Eagles.

3.       All the Miami Heat and King James Haters, where Did you Go?

You know it is funny, the Heat lose a couple of games, and everyone thinks it was a huge mistake for King James to “Take his Talents” to Miami. Well, the Heat is starting to get their shit together. They have won 12 in a row. Actually, they haven’t lost a game this month, and it’s the 20^th of the month. The more time that Wade and King James spend together on the court, the better this combination is going to get. If you were hating on the Heat, and talking about how this combination wasn’t going to work out, then you might want to consider hating on some other team…..

4.       The Town – Solid Flick

I had a chance to lie around on the couch Sunday night, and decided to switch it up from my normal routine. Normally, it’s a night to get my column together, and watch Faith Hill kick off Sunday Night Football. But this Sunday, I decided to watch The Town. Great flick, I highly recommend checking it out. I’m normally not a Ben Affleck fan, but he rocked it in this movie. Anytime you have a movie that’s action packed, involves a bank robbery or 2, and somehow finds a way to incorporate a professional sports team, it’s going to be a winner. This movie is a solid Bro flick…

5.       57^th Fighter Group Restaurant Review…..

You know how it works, I rank based on the following categories: Atmosphere, Talent Level, Cheddar Factor, Drink Accessibility, and Playlist.

·         Atmosphere 9….. This place is great and unique. The restaurant is a themed restaurant, with the feeling of eating on a military base. From the military cars in the parking lot, to the guard gate at the entrance, to the sandbags on the walls, it really gives the feel of a military base. Also, don’t expect to hear music while in the bathroom, instead plan to hear famous war generals giving motivational speeches.

·         Talent Level 6…. One word, COUGAR! Cougars are on the prowl at this place. Keep your eyes peeled, and be prepared, because you will get hit on.

·         Cheddar Factor 7…. It’s a little on the high side, but it is nicer than your ordinary restaurant. The food was amazing. I recommend getting a steak. Also, if you are on active duty, just bring an ID. It is free, as a thanks for your service.

·         Drink Accessibility 8…. The place is a pretty good sized restaurant. There are multiple bars, and cocktail waitresses everywhere. I didn’t have any problem getting a drink in this place.

·         Playlist  6….. Yea, they had a DJ for the dance floor. But their music selection was a little more suited for the Cougars in the bar than anyone else. It is a little old school. Don’t expect to hear anything from the 2000 era.

·         FINAL SCORE = 36…. Translation: Check it out. It is definitely worth the atmosphere, at least once. Also, if you have anyone from the WWII Era, I’m told they have to go, because it is a solid reminder of the past.

6.       DeSean Jackson made the Giants his Bitch….

This won’t take long. Hey Giant fans, how did that make you feel? Look, 14 seconds left in the game, there should not be a remote chance that that punt lands anywhere close to in bounds. It’s that simple. Mr. Coughlin, there is a guy in North Carolina right now, and his name is Bill Cowher. He is preparing to put the old whistle around his neck again, and get back into Coaching in the NFL. That kick off your punter’s foot might as well have been your job if you don’t win the Super Bowl this year……By the way, if you missed it, here it is…..

7.       The NFL

Watch the clip below. You mean to tell me that Tyler Brayton gets fined 15k for that hit and the poor JETS assistant who makes about 80k gets popped for 25k?? Cmon Goodell this is embarrassing. Not only should Tyler Brayton be suspended, Curtis Lofton should take him out back and beat his ass. Have a look see:

8.       Get the Resume’s Ready, Vacancies Everywhere after Christmas

Come January, there are going to be multiple coaching jobs open in the NFL. Hell, so far there are already 3, with the Cowgirls, Broncos, and the Vikings open. But in my eyes, there are going to be a few more. Keep an eye on the Texans, who seem to add talent ever year but remain mediocre. The Titans, who look like they are going to make the stupid decision to choose Vince Young over Jeff Fischer. The Panthers, although who wants that job. The Giants, just because New York doesn’t put up with the type of crap that happened yesterday. (See #6). Other possibilities include Jacksonville and San Fran. Bad news for you Atlanta fans, don’t be surprised if your Offensive Coordinator is a head coach somewhere else next year.

9.       Greinke= From Shittiest to Just Shitty

Just a quick Congrats to Zack Greinke, you left the really shitty team you have been playing for, and now play for just a Shitty team. Congrats.

10. The Top 10 in the Top 10…….

Oh the Top 10. This week is special; it is the Christmas top 10. But the top 10 Christmas movies have been done, so I decided to switch it up a bit. I did the Top 10 Dysfunctional family members in a Christmas movie. Enjoy, and don’t act like you don’t have any of these family members in your family.

1.       UNCLE EDDIE – Christmas Vacation: Possibly my favorite Christmas Character of all time, How could you have a dysfunctional family without Uncle Eddie? Showing up in his horrible RV, with his dog Snots, Eddie somehow charms you into liking him. Everyone has an uncle Eddie in their family.

Favorite Quote:  “Shitter was full Clark!”

2.       BUZZ MCCALLISTER – Home Alone:  What a great older brother. Buzz was that annoying older brother who did anything he could do to get on your nerves. The fact that he ate an entire pizza just to piss his younger brother off is priceless. The downside to Buzz, his girlfriend…. WOOF.

Favorite Quote: “No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.”

3.       MR. PARKER- A Christmas Story: Don’t act like you don’t watch this movie at least twice when it is on for 24 hours on TBS. One of the best movies of all time in my book, Mr. Parker reminds everyone of their own father in one way or another. You have to love the old man, complaining about the neighbors dogs, loving his leg lamp, and having his special ways of fixing the problems in the house.

Favorite Quote: “What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It's a Major Award. I won it!”

4.       Dr. NEIL MILLER (Step dad)- The Santa Clause- Tell me you remember the Santa Clause? Tim Allen was great, but my favorite character in that movie was the Stepfather, Neil. Why? I want just one of those phenomenal sweaters’ he used to wear. They were better than anything Mr. Cosby use to wear.

Favorite Quote: “All I ever wanted for Christmas was an Oscar Meyer Weiner whistle.”

5.       BUDDY THE ELF- ELF: I know he isn’t a family member in a movie, but how can you have a Christmas list without adding Buddy.

Favorite Quote:” I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands”

6.       UNCLE FRANK- Home Alone: Everyone has the annoying cheap uncle in the family. Uncle Frank is that uncle. He doesn’t let you watch the good movies, and treats you like a child. Uncle Frank was an ass.

Favorite Quote: “Look what you did you little Jerk”

7.       AUNT BETHANY- Christmas Vacation: What a sweet old lady. She is deaf, and wraps her cat up as a gift. Every line she has in the movie is priceless. From the moment she is suppose to say the Blessing, and actually says the Pledge of Allegiance, to the part where she hears the squirrel. Everyone loves Aunt Bethany.

Favorite Quote: “Oh Dear, did I break wind?”

      8.       DENVER AND DALLAS MCVIE- 4 Christmases: Everyone has those siblings they want to just pound. Well Denver and Dallas McVie are training for the UFC so no dice when Brad rolls in for Christmas.

             Favorite Quote: "Hey Brad, lick my gonads."

       9.       SCOTT CALVIN- The Santa Claus:   What happens when you accidentally kill Santa Claus? You become him. Your boy Scott Calvin has got some serious stories to tell at his sons Career Day.

             Favorite Quote: "We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women..."

        10.     THE KID- Bad Santa: Seriously his name in the movie is The Kid. Everyone knows that chubby kid who has the cheeks that look like they are going to explode. This is that kid.

              Favorite Quote: "It's a wooden pickle."

 Leave me your thoughts and comments on the facebook post…. Special shout out to Meghan McClamb for the help on the top 10. See you all Friday morning Suckazzzzzz.