GoodFella, Great Driver

Goodfella, Great Driver

By Uncle Clark

January 13, 2011

We’ve all seen Goodfellas.

Jimmy Johnson is the Jimmy Conway of NASCAR. If you watch what Conway gets done in the movie and what Johnson gets done on the track, it’s an easy comparison.

To play off a line from the movie: Johnson’s got Hendrick as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Hendrick. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Hendrick. Trouble with the car, the track, the pit crew - he can call Hendrick. He comes up with Hendrick’s money every week, no matter what.

The guy is as brotivated as they come. His statistics are staggering. But statistics are boring. Aside from securing five consecutive Championships here is what Johnson has done:

1. He’s made the champion of an era a complete joke. What has Jeff Gordon done since the beginning of Jimmy’s championship run? Jack. He’s opened a vineyard (see questionable photo below) and is now sponsored by the AARP.

2. He’s helped Chad Knaus forget high school. At 18, Chad spent more time shoved in a locker than Plaxico Burress’ pads. Johnson was ripping donuts in dune buggies while Chad was cleaning jock straps. But now the guy sits at the right hand of a legend, has a massive Benjamin pile and has every right to be as arrogant as he is.
3. He’s written the book on talk. If your boy Obama and Belecheck had a night together in Vegas, Johnson would be the 9-month reminder. The guy knows how to get an audience, but his talk is all about business. Every answer the guy gives is taken from a book of NASCAR Ad-Libs. Insert sponsor here. Follow it up with an adjective about Goodyear tires. Toss in an adverb emphasizing how strong the team performed. Then close with a hello to Sprint and enjoy victory lane’s pathetic hat ceremony. Heres what JJ sounds like translated into redneck:

    4.  He’s defined perfection in the post-season. Did you watch the final race at Homestead last year? It’s ok…neither did America. But me and Budweiser broke that thing down. Denny Hamlin went into Miami with a 15-point lead, decided it’d be a good time to post a pathetic poll and then proceeded to show the nation what a wreck looks like. I’ve seen more responsible racing with golf carts. Opposite spectrum: Johnson. He. Made. No. Mistakes.

     5.   Johnson has destroyed a legacy. Dale Earnhardt Jr. has lost the draft in this sport. If you want to keep with the Goodfellas analogy, Junior is the Henry Hill of NASCAR. It won’t be long and he too will be throwing back plates of egg noodles and ketchup.

Unfortunately for the 48 team, there is a problem with the Johnson/Conway comparison. These storylines are going to end. The Italian mafia has since taken a back seat to the crime families from South of the border. The 2011 Sprint Cup season could follow suit – that’s your cue, Juan Pablo Montoya.

Falcons vs. Saints Recap...The NFL rules are wack

The Falcons hosted the Saints in what was the biggest home game in Atlanta Falcons history. With a win the Falcons lock up the division and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. The Saints on the other hand needed a win to secure their spot in the playoffs. The Dome was rocking and definitely had a playoff atmosphere. My take on the game:

Quarterback: C-

• Matt Ryan was pretty dreadful all night. Multiple times it looked like the pressure was getting to him and he wasn't setting his feet and making strong accurate throws. He completed only 15/29 for 148 yards and a score. For as bad as he played we still had a chance to win which is a sign that this is not the Falcons of old.

Running Backs: D

• Michael Turner for 99% of the night was http://www.nonexistant.com/MIA . He had 48 yards on 17 carries for a measly 2.8 average and a COSTLY turnover at the goal line. I will not jump all over Turner since that is his first fumble in a year and a half or so. Its imperative that the Falcons get Turner going. When Turner runs the ball well the Falcons almost never lose. Now you have to give the Saints some credit but the Offensive Line needs to man up and grab a snickers. Starting to look like a bunch of Betty White's out there.

Wide Receivers: C+

• Roddy White had an average day with 5 catches for 43 yards and a score. I thought they needed to try and get the ball to Roddy more but I know you cant just lock in on 1 receiver. I was surprised Tony Gonzalez wasn't targeted more. With the way the saints were stuffing the run you would think the down field passing game would be more open but it wasn't. Michael Jenkins had some nice catches and caused the pass interference in the end zone that was fumbled away by Michael Turner.

Defense: A+

• The defense was outstanding! Drew Brees completed some passes but his yards per attempt for 3 quarters were under 5. We consistently got pressure on Brees and made him have to move of his spot which was a goal of Mike Smiths going into the game. We forced 2 turnovers one of which was returned for a touchdown by Chauncy Davis and the other was an incredible pick by Jon Abraham in which he he could have taken it to the house if it wasn't for Drew Brees making the tackle.

Overall: C

• For the offense to play as poor as they did and still have a chance to win the game you have to be somewhat pleased with that. I am very very happy with the way the defense played and in a way I am glad that we lost. A friend of mine brought up a good point that is is very difficult to beat a team 3 times in a year and had we won last night more than likely we would see the Saints again in a few weeks right back at the Dome. The Dome from what I could tell was rocking and that is the kind of crowd we need at EVERY home game. Once we dismantle the Panthers next week we will earn our bye and home field throughout the playoffs. RISE UP!

I have a quick beef with the NFL and their rules committee that I would like to pick real quick. What is the point of instant replay if it cant be used when it is needed most?? Someone explain the logic to me that under 2 minutes a review can only come from the booth but only certain plays cant be reviewed. Last night Pierre Thomas was down a yard back from where the ref spotted the ball. Since the spotted ball was still an inch short of the first down, it could not be reviewed. Let me get this straight. You have a review system that 1000000000% shows his knee down a full yard back YET you go with the spot of the ref who is watching the game in real time?? Oh and because it wasn't a first down its not reviewable?!?!?! Get a clue already. There is going to be a time where something like that happens at an absurdly critical time in a huge game and the NFL is going to look like a bunch of morons when they have to explain themselves to an entire fan base why its not a reviewable play. Whats the point of having a review system if you are going to let certain plays be reviewed and let others stand that are wrong?

Happy Crappy Monday Morning.....Volume 9.0

Happy Crappy Monday Morning……Volume 9.0               

By: J-Shannon

Good Afternoon and Happy Crappy Monday to you guys. This by far is the COLDEST edition of the Crappy Monday so far. Lots of changes and big things happened this weekend, and I’ll do my best to get you caught up on everything that went down. Also, Thanks for help Bro Nameth cross the 10,000 views this month. Your reading keeps us writing….. ENJOY.

1.       Dirty Birdz Flying High Towards the Playoffs…..

Another NFL weekend is in the books, and another win by the Birds. They took on the pathetic looking Carolina Panthers this weekend, and put a hurting on the kittens. The Birds are rolling, and looking like they have their sights set on Dallas and the Super Bowl. Other than the New England Patriots, I can’t see anyone beating the Birds anytime soon. Matty Ice needs to continue just managing the game, and let the stars do what they have to do. Defensively, keep taking the ball away. I’m excited to see how deep this team goes….

2.       Deuces Texas, Muschamp is out….

Things just got worse in Austin. Not only did the Longhorns have a horrible season, but it looks like they are also on the search for a new Defensive Coordinator. Muschamp threw up his deuces as he walked off the University of Texas campus, and is heading to Gator land. I give him credit, he was tired of waiting on Mack Brown to retire, and let’s face it, why not leave before the bad results in Texas start getting pointed his way…..Good Luck in Florida buddy, no pressure there…..

3.       D-Bag on Jets Coaching Staff needs to get a Beat Down….

If you missed the Dolphins vs. the Jets game, you missed a D Bag of a moment. The strength and conditioning coach for the Jets, I don’t know his name, nor do I think he deserves my time to look it up, stuck his leg out and tripped a Miami player as he was running down the sideline. The play was over, and the Miami player had already stepped out of bounds. The coach then leans his knee forward, and trips the player, sending him flying to the ground. This guy needs some serious discipline handed down to him from the league. Don’t forget, Woody Hayes did something similar to this back in the day at Ohio State, and was fired….

4.       Speaking of Deuces, so long Metro Dome….

So it is a good thing that the Vikings are sucking it up this year. They have no chance of making the playoffs, which is good, because they probably wouldn’t have an opportunity to have home field advantage even if they were good enough. The Dome decided today it had had enough of the snow, and caved in. Minnesota has gotten almost 2 feet of snow, and the roof of the Metro Dome completely collapsed. It is kind of fitting when you think about it, the Dome has imploded just like the season of the Vikings. Look at the bright side though; even Mother Nature respects “THE STREAK.” Favre said he would not have been able to play today, but because of mother nature, he has one more day of rest to see if he can give it a go tomorrow…..

5.       Congrats Cam…

Congrats on the Heisman Trophy. I will be even more impressed if it and or the National Championship is still in good standing this time 2 years from now.

6.       Snow Flurries Suck….

Look Mother Nature, if you are going to snow, then snow. If you are going to rain, then rain.  Don’t do this BS flurry business. It pisses me off. I’m hoping for about a foot of snow in ATL this Christmas…..

7.       SEC Coaching is Stacked….

Have you ever stopped to think about just how much talent there is in the SEC Coaching Ranks? What other conference can say they have three coaches who have won National Championships (4 Coaches if you are willing to admit that Gene Chizik will win one this season). I would have admitted during the season that the West was stronger when it came to coaches, but after this weekend The East might have the edge. With the addition of Muschamp, and probably Gus Malzahn, added to Mark Richt and Spurrier, you’re talking some serious talent.

8.       Obama on Mythbusters….

Hey, did anyone else get to see the President on Mythbusters? Neither did I, but I do have one question…. Doesn’t he have more important things on his plate than being a television show? I’m all for not talking politics here on Bro Nameth, but this isn’t even politics, it’s just common sense. I don’t mind the president making public appearances, showing up on talk shows and talking politics, or anything like that, but being on a show like Mythbusters seems to me to be a waste of his time…

9.       Kyle Singler is a Freak…

I know he is a tall, lanky white boy who plays for Duke. But the kid can play basketball. Not only can he play down low and make moves like a big man, but he can also stroke the Threes whenever he feels like it. But the most impressive thing about Singler is his trick shot ability. I actually don’t know what is more impressive, the fact that he makes all of these shots, or the fact that he has so much time to make a video like this…..He still looks like a goofy Ethan Hawke

10. The Top 10 in the Top 10…….

I was spending Sunday afternoon relaxing and flipping back and forth between The RED ZONE Channel (which by the way is the best channel in the history of television) and the movie Major League, and it got me thinking. I decided that for this week’s top 10, I was going to put together a list of goodies for you people to enjoy. Here it is, the Top 10:

TOP 10 FICTIONAL SPORTS MOVIE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME….. ENJOY.

1.       JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH- He Got Game-   Jesus was a 5 star recruit from Brooklyn, New York, who was being recruited by every top school in the nation. He averaged 32 points and 12 boards his senior year. The kid was a baller…

Favorite Quote: “Basketball is like poetry in motion, cross the guy to the left, take him back to the right; he’s fallin’ back, then just J right in his face. Then you look at him and say “What?”

2.       QUINCY MCCALL- Love and Basketball- Quincy’s father was an NBA player for the clippers for 12 years. Although he was highly touted out of high school, his decision to go Pro after his freshmen season was a bad call, and he ended up tearing up his Knee and being let go by the Laker's after his third year…..

Favorite Quote: “If basketball is all you care about, why you bonin’ me? Why don’t you bone Dick Vital?”

3.       RICK “WILD THING” VAUGHN- Major League -Yea he spent time in the big house, but who cares? The man can throw a heater over 100 miles per hour. Who can forget his unique hair, his bad ass glasses, and his wardrobe?

Favorite Quote: “ I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m shit now, but someday you are gonna be sorry you cut me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up your fuckin’ ass!”

4.       GORDON BOMBAY- The Mighty Ducks- OK, so maybe he shouldn’t count because he is a coach. But what other guy can lead a crappy PEE WEE hockey team from St. Paul Minnesota, to the Jr. Goodwill games the next year and win gold? Of course his team was loaded with talent, with Goldberg, Adam Banks, the Bash Brothers, and Charlie Conway….

Favorite Quote: “Now here is the long and short of it: I hate hockey, and I don’t like kids.”

5.       HAPPY GILMORE- Happy Gilmore- Happy was unique, bad ass, and also didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about him. He could hit the ball a mile, and finally developed a short game. Happy made golf relevant again….

Favorite Quote: “During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.”

6.       WILLIE BEAMEN – Any Given Sunday- Beamen sat on the sidelines for the first 4 years of his career, but after the starting QB          for the Miami Sharks went down, Beamen stepped up and lead the Sharks to the playoffs. It’s funny how similar his game looks to Mike Vicks… Not to mention Beaman had a sick music video….

Favorite Quote: “I’ve always been a star, ya’ll just didn’t know it yet.”

7.       STEVE LATTIMER- The Program- Laittimer makes the cut strictly because he is a juiced up freak of nature. The man was huge in the movie, and made some plays. Yea he juiced, but what other Defensive end slams his head in a car windshield when he finds out he makes the starting lineup….

Favorite Quote: “Starting Defense! A place at the Table!”

8.       BENNY “The Jet” RODRIGUEZ- The Sandlot Quite possibly my favorite baseball player growing up, the guy is known for the being in the biggest pickle in the history of baseball. Benny does the unthinkable, and hops the fence to challenge “The Beast” to a duel. He is successful, and eventually ends up playing for the LA Dodgers.

Favorite Quote: “Anyone who wants to be a can’t-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama’s bra, raise your hand.”

9.       SPIKE HAMMERSMITH- Little Giants-  No, he wasn’t the main character in the movie. But Spike was a stud. Remember how he helped his dad unload the moving truck by putting the refrigerator on his back and carrying it in the house?

Favorite Quote: “Spike is in Hell. Spike is in Pee Wee football HELL”

10.   HENRY ROWENGARTNER- Rookie of the Year- The only thing better than his ability to throw the high stinky cheddar down the pipe is his last name. Although his major league career only lasted one year, Henry was a stud for the Cubs.

Favorite Quote: “Hey, we want a pitcher, not an underwear snitcher.”

Leave me your thoughts and comments on the facebook post…. See you all Friday morning Suckazzzzzz.