GoodFella, Great Driver

Goodfella, Great Driver

By Uncle Clark

January 13, 2011

We’ve all seen Goodfellas.

Jimmy Johnson is the Jimmy Conway of NASCAR. If you watch what Conway gets done in the movie and what Johnson gets done on the track, it’s an easy comparison.

To play off a line from the movie: Johnson’s got Hendrick as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Hendrick. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Hendrick. Trouble with the car, the track, the pit crew - he can call Hendrick. He comes up with Hendrick’s money every week, no matter what.

The guy is as brotivated as they come. His statistics are staggering. But statistics are boring. Aside from securing five consecutive Championships here is what Johnson has done:

1. He’s made the champion of an era a complete joke. What has Jeff Gordon done since the beginning of Jimmy’s championship run? Jack. He’s opened a vineyard (see questionable photo below) and is now sponsored by the AARP.

2. He’s helped Chad Knaus forget high school. At 18, Chad spent more time shoved in a locker than Plaxico Burress’ pads. Johnson was ripping donuts in dune buggies while Chad was cleaning jock straps. But now the guy sits at the right hand of a legend, has a massive Benjamin pile and has every right to be as arrogant as he is.
3. He’s written the book on talk. If your boy Obama and Belecheck had a night together in Vegas, Johnson would be the 9-month reminder. The guy knows how to get an audience, but his talk is all about business. Every answer the guy gives is taken from a book of NASCAR Ad-Libs. Insert sponsor here. Follow it up with an adjective about Goodyear tires. Toss in an adverb emphasizing how strong the team performed. Then close with a hello to Sprint and enjoy victory lane’s pathetic hat ceremony. Heres what JJ sounds like translated into redneck:

    4.  He’s defined perfection in the post-season. Did you watch the final race at Homestead last year? It’s ok…neither did America. But me and Budweiser broke that thing down. Denny Hamlin went into Miami with a 15-point lead, decided it’d be a good time to post a pathetic poll and then proceeded to show the nation what a wreck looks like. I’ve seen more responsible racing with golf carts. Opposite spectrum: Johnson. He. Made. No. Mistakes.

     5.   Johnson has destroyed a legacy. Dale Earnhardt Jr. has lost the draft in this sport. If you want to keep with the Goodfellas analogy, Junior is the Henry Hill of NASCAR. It won’t be long and he too will be throwing back plates of egg noodles and ketchup.

Unfortunately for the 48 team, there is a problem with the Johnson/Conway comparison. These storylines are going to end. The Italian mafia has since taken a back seat to the crime families from South of the border. The 2011 Sprint Cup season could follow suit – that’s your cue, Juan Pablo Montoya.